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The Great UKIP Mystery

“By Jove, Holmes”, said Watson, “It’s UKIP again – everyone’s talking about the Great UKIP Mystery”.

“Not the missing Ashford money case!”, said Holmes. “That, I confess, was too great even for my powers. It will ever remain an unsolved problem. But to me it does bear all the hallmarks of Moriarty or the colonel.”

“No”, said Watson, “there is a new mystery. Here we have a political party dedicated to getting this country out of Europe, and yet the only thing which seems to interest its people is getting representatives elected to the European Parliament. They can think of no higher ambition in life than to be MEPs.”

“A three-pipe problem, indeed”, replied Holmes. “Be assured, Watson, I will give it my full attention.”

I saw little of Holmes for the next few weeks. I believe he did adopt some of his many disguises in order to frequent bars in Brussels and Strasbourg, but even with his iron constitution he had difficulty keeping pace with the consumption levels. I know he tried to speak to Lestrade, but that worthy officer had been seconded to one of the police forces in the Home Counties to help them with a particularly difficult case. It was an exhausted and baffled Holmes who eventually found his way back to our rooms in Baker Street.

“Well, have you solved it?”, I asked after a long interval of silence.

The great detective shook his head sadly. “I thought it was the old old story, that these UKIP people ambitious to become MEPs were motivated by money and position. Career politicians, in fact. I could not have been more wrong. I set this trap for them. I had it pointed out to them that if UKIP was accused at the next European election of being motivated by the Gravy Train, they would lose the votes of those who voted for them last time. The only solution was to go into the next election, saying that they had tried working inside the system for five years and it had not worked. It was vitally important for the country that the next European election is considered as a referendum on Europe. We cannot afford any mistakes, any hostages to fortune. We counter the Gravy Train accusation by saying that next time we will not take up the seats, we will not accept any European money, and any UKIP MEP elected will stay in this country. And do you know, Watson, they have all gladly accepted this idea. They say the country and the cause must come first, before any thought of money or position.

“Perhaps we have misjudged Moriarty all along”.posted 10 may 08