Biscuitman

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

*******************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said, 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
‘really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

******************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant ?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... The one that's red and has thorns.'
Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
*********************************


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the lift.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

****************************
Three old guys were out walking.
First one said, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one said, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one said, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

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Doctors


This is so true!



They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.



There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....



The Receptionist said,



'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said,



'You shouldn't come Into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'



'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.



The Receptionist replied;



'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'



The man replied,



'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'



The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'



'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.



'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'



'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.



********************

THE DARWIN AWARDS - November 2007
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Medical stories sought for a publication aimed at paramedics, nurses,
doctors, and all those who rescue people from their best and brightest dumb
ideas. For inspiration, read on:

PERSONAL ACCOUNT: Hedge Your Bets (near miss)

2007, Ontario, Canada || My friend's daughter is a plastic surgeon with
expertise in reconstructive surgery. Recently a patient was rushed into the
hospital, needing a surgeon to reattach the tips of his fingers to his left
hand.

While taking the patient history, it was found that this bright chap got the
idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it to his hedge. He
was holding the mower deck, trimming the hedge, and things went well until
the weight of the mower got to be a bit much. He readjusted his grip on the
mower deck, and that was when the blade bit him.

When my friend's daughter was almost finished with the complex job of sewing
this patient back together, another patient came in with the same injury!
On investigation, it was found that he, too, had been using his mower to
trim his hedge. Apparently this man was a neighbor of the first patient.
He watched his neighbor trim his hedge, and thought it was a bright idea.

Often fact is so much weirder than fiction.
2007 Personal Account: Hedge Your Bets
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MEDIA: Contact Elise Bogdan, VP & Director of Client Services Newman
Communications, 20 Guest Street, Suite 150, Brighton MA 02135
Newman Communications - Public Relations
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
From Randy Cassingham's book, The Stella Awards, comes this...

DARWIN AWARD: ZAP!

(2003, California) John, a real estate attorney, was skimming leaves from
his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught in the power lines.
Years of education equipped John with enough reasoning power to become a
successful litigator. Yet his education did not equip him with sufficient
acumen to avoid becoming a toasty critter, when he reached up with the long
metal pole and poked at the palm frond.
John was, for once, the path of least resistance.

His family, perhaps as an homage to his litigation skills, sued both the
utility company and the pool supply store, which failed to disclose the
danger of using the pool skimmer on power lines.

2003 Darwin Award: ZAP!
***************

__________________
IF THE EU WAS THE ANSWER, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A STUPID QUESTION!

g hall

Check your humanity are you sorry for this tragic loss - if so you are not human just gullible if you are not sorry party on dude he got what was coming

__________________
"That government is best which governs least."
"This is a sharp Medicine, but it is a Physician for all diseases and miseries".
"To be "matter of fact" about the world is to blunder into fantasy --and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful."
TANSTAAFL TANJ