Biscuitman

How good is it to be Australian...

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree… while the fairy lights were plugged in

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth

AND FINALLY........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet


A TRUE QUEENSLANDER

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asked what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The General Manager of Cascade smiled and said, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."

The General Manager of Coopers proudly said, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Carlton said, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager from XXXX glanced at his lunch mates and said, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him like he has sprouted a new head.

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He just shrugged and said, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."


Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returned after being away for a couple of hours, The pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, Boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman was really angry now. He stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese man leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,

"Supplies!!!!"



The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

BEFORE READING ON ANSWER HONESTLY - WHAT WOULD YOU USE?


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"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull out the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR WOULD YOU LIKE THE BED NEXT TO MINE?



Question from a recent UK survey:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answer:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% :ãÚåÏ ÇáÃãä ÇáÚÇáãí ÈæÇÔäØ



Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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IF THE EU WAS THE ANSWER, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A STUPID QUESTION!

Biscuitman

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.


People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two

or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.



'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations.'



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,'Watch the watch,watch the watch,
watch the watch ....'



The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.



'****,' said the Hypnotist.







It took three days to clean up the Day Centre.

__________________
IF THE EU WAS THE ANSWER, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A STUPID QUESTION!

Biscuitman

WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot
him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'
The interview ended at that point.



Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."



To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefi t of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)




Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become
lost in the garden because he would not ask for
directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a
new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore
need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to
put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort
of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be
alone!

And the No.1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better
than that!"



A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now,"

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"It was my first day with the hook"




Kids are so smart these days....

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

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TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

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TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.

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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

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TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
JOHNY Big hands!

__________________
IF THE EU WAS THE ANSWER, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A STUPID QUESTION!

Biscuitman

A woman's week at the gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY :

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!



Jack decided to go skiing with his pal, Bob. So they loaded
up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling
her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died,he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and putit in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close thecasket,the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on myword. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife'. '


I got it all together, put it into myaccount and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

__________________
IF THE EU WAS THE ANSWER, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A STUPID QUESTION!

Mountaineer

Old lady (to street musician) - Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician - Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.
Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Mountaineer

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

Chip

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue
of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You
can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but
within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and
threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
"Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a poof, a Chelsea
supporter, and anything French!"