Thread: A Joke to brighten your day

I met a Pakistani who lives in a passageway between two houses , He`s called Alley .

Life
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter(mother of Jimmy Carter)
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty..Buteverything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist' s diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Depressed? Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!


Now, in Canada, we can only retire at 67, not 65. The government officials get the big bucks in their pocket and can retire at 55 with full pension while the tax payers, us, slave for pennies, and they're even getting rid of them, go figure.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 3 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.....

Originally Posted by TannyD

Is that rep for the doughboy or the power of the bum hole?

If you mean me .. for the Doughboy as it was so cute. And then the bum joke topped it. lols:-)

There was a young lady from France
Who boarded a train in a trance.
The engineer ****ed her.
So did the conductor.
And the brakeman went off in his pants.